Spliced: Part 3 - Chapter 11

[flighty_dreams]

TITLE: Spliced - Part 3, Chapter 11
AUTHOR: flighty_dreams 
WARNINGS: NC-17. slavefic. scifi setting.
WORD COUNT:  4,479
SUMMARY:  Part 3, Chapter 11 - Decisions, decisions.
NOTES:  The index to this story available here. Thanks to tuawahine for beta reading! :-)
FEEDBACK:  Always welcome, it makes me write updates faster. ;-)

 

Chapter Eleven

  

Kate tensed when she felt the shuttle lock back onto the ship. Alex was back, and she was nowhere near ready for a conversation with him.

Grimacing, she looked at the scattered mess surrounding her on the cabin floor. She'd spent the past hour cleaning out and organizing their drawers, needing to vent her furious energy out on something. When she was in this kind of mood, she always suddenly became productive, needing the distraction. Unfortunately Alex knew her habits too well, and would be aware something was wrong as soon as he saw her.

All too soon he entered the room, clad in worn jeans and the 'Festun: So free you'll be trapped into staying' shirt she'd given him two years earlier for Tyrran Solstice. He raised one eyebrow questioningly as he took in the scene before she quickly averted her gaze, turning back to her task.

His voice laced with wary suspicion, he asked, “What's wrong?” They both knew she only cleaned when she was upset.

Really not wanting to talk about it, she denied, “Nothing's wrong.”

She heard the thump of the old, scuffled duffel bag he was carrying hitting the floor, and the shuffle of his feet as he crossed the room. The bed creaked as he sat on the edge of it, his booted feet in her peripheral vision. Sighing, Alex replied, “You're not even trying. Usually you can lie better than this.”

Determined not to start a fight with him she didn't want to finish, she ignored him. After a long silence, he tried again. “Kate, would you just talk to me? Please?”

The 'please' made her turn to look at him, slightly surprised. But after a moment her resolve returned, tightening her features, and she turned away again. Rummaging through some papers, knowing he wouldn't go away that easily, she finally told him, “Just leave me alone. I don't feel like talking.”

She heard him shift awkwardly on the bed. “Just tell me what I did wrong,” he replied, so earnest it made her chest hurt.

Angry with herself for her reaction, her words came out more bitterly than she intended. “Not everything is about you, Alex.”

The heavy silence that followed filled with her guilt, but she resolutely remained facing away from him. Let him turn away hurt, before any permanent damage was done.

She should've known he wouldn't give up quickly. “Then please tell me what's upset you,” he said more gently and patiently than she'd ever heard him talk before. He could be tender, but he was rarely patient—except when on a job.

It weakened her for a moment, before her determination returned. “I don't want to talk about it right now.”

He was quiet for so long, his gaze remaining fixed on her, that she spared him a worried glance, wondering what new angle he was planning to use. She wished he'd leave her alone, but the man was as hard to maneuver as a Pyrunian silk merchant.

“Well,” he said with a sigh, and she tensed, knowing she wouldn't like the next words out of his mouth, “this is going worse than my conversation with Muldane.”

She flinched at the mention of the Kartan, her shoulders tightening.

“Kate,” Alex drawled, an edge of satisfaction in his voice, “is this about him?”

Flame all, he'd done that on purpose, tricking her into showing a reaction. She allowed herself to hate him for a moment for being such a sneaky bastard.

Still facing away from him, she took a deep breath, staunchly controlling her tone as she asked lightly, “Why do you think it's about him?”

“Lucky guess?” Alex replied just as nonchalantly.

“I hate you,” she growled bluntly, finally turning to look at him. His perception annoyed her; Muldane was certainly part of it.

“Sure you do,” he said, a fond smile tugging at his lips.

Taking a deep breath she said, “I need you to leave.”

The depth of the hurt in his expression, blooming for a moment before he hid it behind that old blank mask, pushed aside the frustration and anger she'd been feeling, guilt usurping their place. Sighing, she rubbed a hand down her face tiredly. “I'm sorry, just- please go. I'll talk to you later.”

Kate turned away from him again, but sensed the tension in him as he sat there for several long moments watching her, before he finally got up and left the room without a word, his steps slow and heavy. She knew he'd been bursting with the need to know what was going on, but he'd respected her wishes and left.

Over two hours later, the cabin was completely clean, but she didn’t feel any better. She’d hoped that given enough time her feelings would go away like they always did, but they hadn’t. She needed to talk to someone about this, but it couldn’t be Alex, not until she’d come to a decision.

Who knew Alex better than she did? Before she could rethink it, she picked up the vid remote.

Ten answered the vid in his office, sunlight streaming into the room through his bay windows. For a moment it distracted her; too much time on the ship made her long for the feel of sunlight on her skin. The mountain view behind him looked as beautiful as ever, but she barely spared it a glance, focusing on Ten now.

She noted his eyes searching the room for a moment before settling on her. “Hey, Kate. Alex not back yet?”

“No, he got back a while ago.”

“Oh, okay. You just don’t normally call me alone unless Alex has gone-” he stopped abruptly, his gaze scrutinizing her more thoroughly. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes,” she admitted, not prevaricating.

She explained that her mother had called earlier and stirred up a lot of doubts about her relationship with Alex. Even though the woman didn’t know the full story—like Alex’s background and why he had to go away half the year—it was amazing how many valid points she could bring up anyway. She’d complained that Alex was undependable because he wasn’t around a lot of the time, and Kate had been unable to deny it. Her mother had basically told her to either set him straight or dump him, because if he stayed like this she’d never be able to have a family with him. Normally Kate would stubbornly ignore her advice—especially since her mom didn’t have the full story—but with the way she was feeling lately… she couldn’t summon the strength.

Ten was quiet for a long time afterwards. Finally he asked gently, “What do you want me to say?”

A bitter chuckle escaped her. “I don’t know.” She hesitated, before saying more honestly, “I think I want the truth.” He looked at her worriedly and she added, “Do you think Alex and I have a future? Can we really keep going like this?”

He sighed, and she’d never seen a sadder look on his face. “Truthfully? The short answer is no.”

Her throat tightened at hearing the admission spoken aloud. It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but she needed to hear it.

“Kate,” Ten said, understanding in his eyes, “you both love each other. There’s no doubt about that. But there will always be something missing in the relationship for him. Something that part of him has to go out to find. And that will always draw him away from you sometimes.”

Ten took a sip from the glass of water sitting on his desk. “As far as your mother is concerned, she wants you to marry and have kids. You can’t do those things with him. We're sterile, thanks to Kristech.” His expression darkened momentarily as he thought of the lab. “And your mom’s nagging wouldn’t bother you so much if you didn’t secretly want those things too.”

Kate opened her mouth instinctively to protest, but he was right. She did want those things. Maybe not today, but one day. “We could still get married, and we could adopt,” she argued.

“You could,” he agreed, kindly yet firmly, “but should you? What kind of marriage would that be, if he spends half his time separated from you and sleeping with other people?”

She cringed at the blunt assessment of the situation. It sounded terrible, but that was exactly what she’d been letting Alex do these past several years. It had been horrible enough to deal with when they weren’t married, how much more ridiculous would she feel if they were?

“Not much of a marriage at all,” she conceded despondently.

“And he can’t be much of a father either if he’s gone half the time. He wouldn’t want to do that to any kids, adopted or not,” Ten pointed out.

It was all true. Thinking about Alex she concluded, “He would stay then. He’d feel obligated to stay, no matter how much he wanted to leave sometimes.”

Ten nodded, but gave her a concerned look. “He would, but it wouldn’t be fair to any of you. Eventually he’d feel trapped, and his unhappiness would make you unhappy, and that would flow down to the kids.”

That was exactly what had happened with her parents. Her father had been restless and eager to travel the stars, but for a long time he’d stayed with Kate and her mom, growing more miserable as the years passed. No, she couldn’t do that to Alex.

They sat quietly for a few minutes as she pondered the situation. Finally she asked, “What about the Kartan?”

Could he succeed where she had failed?

Brows furrowing, Ten frowned thoughtfully and answered, “I don’t know. He might not be the right person either.” Ten looked up at her, his gaze meeting hers meaningfully. “But my brother deserves the chance to try.”

She shivered, realizing what he wasn’t saying aloud. Alex needed to be free to try.

“Kate,” Ten continued, his expression still utterly serious, “you’re my friend too, and I care about you. You deserve better too. You deserve someone that will be there whenever you need him, that you can marry and have kids with someday.”

Just like Mom and her new family, Kate noted, conflicted. But her little brother and sister didn’t have a bad life, did they? And her mother was certainly happier with her new husband than she had ever been with Kate’s dad. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all, to follow in her mother’s footsteps.

“Thanks, Ten,” she said, giving him a tremulous smile. He was right, and she hoped it would happen one day. And she knew that whatever happened with Alex, she wouldn’t lose Ten. He would still be her friend too.

She asked briefly if there was any news of Hayeston—but of course there wasn’t, which didn’t ease any of her fears on that score. They finished talking, and afterwards she lay down on the bed dejectedly.

She knew that if she asked, Acto and Cera would say the same thing Ten had just told her. They’d been pushing her for years to put an end to this back and forth relationship. They both liked Alex, but they hated what he did to her when he was away. Was it time to stop being stubborn and finally admit they were right? Yes, today things had changed; she’d felt the shift, and she couldn’t go back, even as much as part of her wanted to. She didn’t want to lose the man who was so much to her—lover, best friend, and so much more—but she couldn’t keep standing still either. It was time to make a stand.

Realizing that putting it off any longer wasn't going to help, she left the cabin in search of Alex.

She found him where she suspected he'd be, in the back passageway above the engine room. It was his favorite spot on the ship, looking out at the endless stars stretching behind them. The same hallway where their relationship had officially begun years earlier, she remembered fondly. But it was also the same place she often stood while he was gone, missing him deeply.

Hearing her approach behind him, he turned to face her, his brown eyes morose and worried. She knew those feelings well. Her hand reached out to grasp his, needing the comfort of the familiar touch.

They stood side by side at the window, gazing blankly outside. The ship had left its orbit around Festun a while earlier, carrying its cargo towards its next stop, Monlea. Kate found that ironic, and oddly fitting. There was other cargo they’d be bringing to Monlea soon enough.

Fingers tightening around his, she swallowed down the lump in her throat, gathering herself for a moment before saying calmly, “My mother called today.”

He squeezed her hand reassuringly, even as she felt him tense beside her. “What did she want?”

“To invite us over for Solstice.”

He blinked, obviously comparing calendars in his head. “I guess it is that time again. About two weeks from now right?” After she nodded he cleared his throat and said wryly, “Well, it's always fun to see your little sister again, if not your mom.”

She let his comment stand, knowing it was nothing but the truth. Alex and her mom didn’t get along, but him cuddling and teasing an eight year old girl was an adorable sight. But it also reminded her of the conversation she’d just had with Ten, and the kids she could never have with Alex.

Pushing those thoughts away and focusing on more important things she said, “At first I had the calendar conversion wrong. I thought Solstice was three weeks from now, which meant you couldn't make it.”

“Oh no,” he said, looking at her intently, “what did she say?”

She told him. Her mother had launched into one of her familiar lectures about how unreliable Alex was, just like Kate's father, and how she'd be better off dumping him. In Lena Undren's opinion, if a man couldn't be there all the time for his family, he wasn't a man worth knowing. Even though she'd bought their story that Alex had to spend half his time helping with his brother's business, she believed he either should find someone else to do it or have Kate go live with him while he did it. She preferred the latter of course, because it would get them off the rusty old contraption her daughter called a spaceship. If Lena had her way, she'd have them both settled down planetside year round, preferably on Tyrra.

Today's rant had focused on how Alex never seemed to be around whenever she asked them to visit. To Kate's mother that meant he was making up excuses not to see them and shirking his obligations. Usually Kate was able to brush off her mother's criticisms of Alex, ignoring them as she had so many other lectures her mother had subjected her to over the years.

But today, with the threat of Hayeston looming and Alex leaving her again soon—leaving her to go back to Muldane, who she was worried would abuse him badly—her mother's commentary on top of everything else had been too much.  Deep down she always knew she felt anger and resentment over him leaving her every six months. It never came out until after he was gone, when she was left roaming a ship empty of him but full of his memory. Until today, when her mother's insensitive lecture had blasted those internal walls apart.

She could no longer hide the truth from him. As much as she wished to conceal it.

After she finished recapping her conversation with her mother, she turned to look at him. There was guilt in his eyes, and fear, fear of disappointing her. There was anger too, at her mother for presuming so much when she didn't know the truth. Kate let him say as much in words, complaining about Lena. But she couldn't help thinking now that her mother, despite being unaware of so much, was right about some important things.

“Alex,” she said quietly after he wound down, looking away from him again, “I think I'm more like my mother than I thought.”

“What?” She heard an edge of panic in his voice, and under other circumstances it would've been comical.

Forcing herself to face him, to look him in the eye so he would know she meant it, she said, “I don't think I can do this anymore.”

“Kate,” he gasped out, his eyes widening with shock and sadness.

There were so many questions in his gaze, and she struggled to explain herself. “You leaving me all the time. I deserve better,” she told him, her jaw tightening as she repeated Ten’s words from earlier.

His hand squeezed hers again, and he put his other hand on her arm. His eyes were earnest and anguished as he affirmed, “You do. I always thought you did, but you seemed okay with it.”

She took his hand from her arm, holding it comfortingly. “I am, when you're here. When you're gone I'm swallowed up by doubt. Doubt for our future, for me clearly not being everything you need, and on top of that worry for where you are and if you're okay. I can't stand the not knowing and the wondering if this time you won't make it back. I'm miserable while you're gone.”

“Why did you never tell me this? I knew it was bad, but not that bad,” he replied softly, his voice heavy with guilt and regret.

She choked out a laugh. “Because at first I thought it would get better. And because whenever you returned I was so happy. Happy enough to put aside my resentment and enjoy our time together. I am okay when we're together.” She released his hands and put her arms around him, and he embraced her in return. “And finally,” she said huskily, “because I didn't want to be my mother. She guilted my father into staying planetside for years when I was little, and when he finally went back to space she never stopped pressuring him to come back. She was miserable, so she had to make sure he was miserable too. I didn't want to do that to us.”

“I wish-” he hesitated, before continuing thickly, “I wish you'd told me you felt this way a long time ago. I never wanted you to be unhappy.” He lifted a hand, brushing her hair back from her face. “But at the same time, I don't regret any of our time together.”

“Neither do I,” she told him, giving him a soft, sad smile. “It's just too much this time, with Hayeston and Muldane added to the mix. Too much for me to worry about.” Sighing she added, “I know I can't give you everything you need. So I pushed you back towards Muldane because I love you, and I want you to be happy. And maybe because, deep down, I thought if there was someone else I could finally move on.” She buried her head against his shoulder, her eyes tearing up. “I don't want to end this, I love you so much. That's why I've been defensive about the Kartan lately. But I have to face the truth: Love just isn't enough sometimes.”

She'd always known that; the situation with her parents had taught her as much. Her parents had loved each other, but they hadn't loved each other in the way they needed to be loved. Her mother wanted someone who would be happy to stay home and at her side, while her father wanted someone he could share his taste for adventure with. He'd found it in Kate, and her mother had found what she needed with her new husband. But the dissolution of their marriage had been long and bitter, because there was so much hatred and resentment tangled up with the love.

“Oh Katie, I'm so sorry. I don’t want this to end either,” Alex said, distress in his voice. His arms tightened around her as she cried. “I shouldn't have come back, not after the first time I left. It never would've gone this far then.”

She leaned back to glare up at him through her tears. “I thought we just agreed we don't regret any of the time we've spent together.”

Sheepishness cut through his pained expression. “You're right, we did. And I don't. I just say stupid things at times like this. I can't stand it when you cry.”

“Neither can I. It makes me look like one of those Matron statues,” she joked, trying to lighten the moment.

A laugh choked out of him. “It does not. I prefer you without the tears, but you still look beautiful.”

It was a lie, but a nice one. She laid her head against his shoulder again.

They held each other silently for a minute, before he said reluctantly, “Normally my instinct would be to fight this. I love you, and I don't want to lose you. But even more, I don't want to hurt you anymore. So it's up to you, Kate. What do you want to do?”

She laughed, and heard an edge of bitterness in it. “There's a big difference between what I want to do and what we should do.”

His chest moved as he took a deep breath. “Tell me what you want first,” he murmured softly, “it'll make the second part easier to hear.”

Sighing wistfully she replied, “I want to stay like this forever.”

“Just like this?” She could hear the smile in his voice.

“Well, with a relocation to our cabin and minus the clothes,” she told him, lifting his shirt to run her hands underneath it, brushing along his back.

“That could be arranged,” he told her temptingly, and she abruptly realized they were distracting themselves from the hard truths they didn't want to face at the moment.

She wouldn't let anything deter her today; if she did she'd never get it out. “For now it could, but not for long,” she replied solemnly, dispelling the lightened atmosphere.

A heavy sigh ruffled her hair, and she felt him tense against her again. “I know, I'm sorry.” His hand stroked her back soothingly for a moment before he asked reluctantly, “What's the second part?”

She was quiet for a long time, thinking it over. What was the best way to do this? There was no good way; heartbreak was inevitable. Recalling her thoughts while cleaning, she came to the same conclusion. “I'll be here for you until you go and later if you need help with Hayeston, but after that I'm out.”

She glanced up in time to see him nod, his tone sad but resigned. “As you wish.”

It was odd phrasing; it puzzled her momentarily even through her heartache. But considering he felt responsible for her pain these past years, it made sense he'd react that way. Seeing himself as the one who’d hurt her, he’d drawn back and let her decide what she thought was best.

“Thanks for offering to help with Hayeston,” he added, giving her a shaky, sad smile.

She lifted her arms, bringing her hands up to cup his face and meeting his gaze intently. “It's going to be hard for a long time, Alex. But if you ever need any help, you can always call me.”

“Likewise. If something happens, call me anytime. I'll do whatever I can for you.” His voice was thick with emotion, and his eyes radiated pain and sadness.

She hated seeing him like that. Tugging his head down closer, she leaned her head against his own and brushed her lips against his in a brief, gentle kiss.

“If-” he cleared his throat and continued huskily, “If this is all we have left, we should make the most of these next few weeks then.” He sounded more like himself, a hint of wickedness in his voice.

“Yes,” she agreed, glad they still had some time. She needed the time to adjust, to accept the change that was coming. “Let's just do the cargo stuff. No more bounties.”

He hesitated for a long moment. She knew he was not only determined to catch Linas Nicter, his latest target, but also would want to leave her and the crew in the best financial shape possible. But considering their new circumstances he gave in reluctantly. “You're right, we don't need the extra distractions.”

“Or the extra worries,” she grumbled aloud, pulling back to glare at him properly.

“What does that mean exactly?” he asked, one brow rising, although he knew very well. This wasn't exactly a new complaint.

“You're not always cautious when catching criminals or dodging plasma blasts,” she groused, never fond of his reckless tendencies.

“Hey, I'm careful! I definitely don't run towards the blasts.”

“My memory says otherwise,” she told him dryly.

“I wish your memory wasn't quite so sharp,” he growled, scowling back at her.

The laugh bubbled out of her; she couldn't help it. Even knowing what would happen soon, she was glad they could still live in the moment. Of course, they'd had years to practice it.

She hugged him again, needing to savor this. He understood without words, as he often did, embracing her tightly. She buried her head against his neck, wanting to shut out everything else.

Unfortunately, that was impossible. “You still have to call Muldane though, don't you?” she asked reluctantly, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen upon them.

He frowned, his eyes looking far away. “Yeah, I do. Or I'll never hear the end of it.”

At least that would only take him away for a few hours, if they scheduled the ship’s stops right. They’d accomplished that for his calls today, and they could do it again. Speaking of those calls…

As they walked back to their cabin, she asked how things had gone today. He told her of his progress with Muldane, and the arrangements he’d worked out with Hollis. Kate rolled her eyes at his manipulation of the situation; Alex was incorrigible.

“Do we still have to go see your mother for Solstice?” he asked her later on as they lay in bed together, hope for escape clear in his voice.

Flame her mother. She didn’t want to waste their last week together dealing with her. Maybe she could go after he left, make up some excuse to avoid visiting until after they separated. She really didn’t want to be confronted with questions about their future—like when they were finally going to marry—when she knew they didn’t have one. It would be too much on top of the pain of saying goodbye.

“We’ll see,” she told him as he groaned in frustration.

It was the best she could do for now.


Chapter 12A

Comments

[emilianadarling.livejournal.com]

Awwwwww man. :( This was the super sads. Very effective chapter, and she does deserve so much better... I just wish something could have worked out.

Oh no, this means lots of Matt now, right? X_X That kid is a total brat. But it will be well-written and lovely, I am sure, duckie. <3

[flighty-dreams.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's sad. Sometimes it's not about lack of love, but other things getting in the way.

Lol. He is a brat. I hope you find it so, but I'll let you explore for yourself.

Thanks for commenting.

[e-witness.livejournal.com]

I deserve better.

Oh, Kate. :(((( You do deserve better, always have. The whole situation has been so damned unfair for you, and you've shouldered so much more than was your lot, for six years, without a word of protest, so it's good to see you finally acknowledging it. It's empowering.

But I still cried anyway. Because they're so beautiful together, and that all-but-goodbye scene was so painful. And a small part of me still wishes they could have stayed together, carrying cargo and hunting criminals from their ship.

Damn it, why is this story about cloned slaves in a future with fourteen planets so bloody realistic?

[e-witness.livejournal.com]

Oh, and what about Ten? Doling out all this advice like a relationship guru when he himself sits alone at a window with his books and his mountainous scenery. :( This chapter is just so sad.